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simple piece for keyboard & television in an english winter

by sonja berlin-jones

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simple piece for keyboard & television in an english winter 28:01
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TUESDAY 8 JANUARY

It's getting a bit awkward because people are starting to download my music more than once or twice per century and of course I am thrilled but I am also getting self-conscious and worrying if anything I'm doing is worth anyone's time.

This one was going to be a noiser and I got all that arranged and thought I'd add a nice quiet bit at the end and so just did something really lazy and quick and it was way better than the noise masterpiece I'd been working on for hours and hours (ten minutes) so I dumped the noise and stuck with this simple thing.

But I noticed that I was trying a bit harder than usual - self-consciousness. It might raise other people's game - but I am only at my best when alone & raging against the hugeness of the world. I spent ages flaffing about trying to get a nice picture for the "cover". That's not bad - the inside of a bowl some friends gave us after they'd been abroad.

I've never been abroad - and bizarrely this sometimes make me a brief object of fascination in the room as everyone else drops their cocktails and stops talking about their seven weeks living on a kayak on the Yellow River and dashes over to meet the only person they've ever met who's never been abroad. And they say What do you do ? And I say I'm unemployed.

Which is the truth - though apparently my doctor-of-embarrassment tells me that I should say I am an artist. But that just makes things even worse. "Oooh - how interesting - what do you paint ?" And I tell them I don't paint anything and I don't write and I don't make much music - which is all true - because none of this takes much time - I can easily spend more time hunting around Bandcamp trying to find a good album than it takes me to make a good album for myself. But it is true - about how whatever we do it always feels like nothing. I'm not as prolific as Elizabeth Veldon or Hal McGee and I usually only spend an hour every other evening making music - it would be easy to do twenty 28-minute tracks per day. And someday I will.

But I need to REALLY waste time - standing around talking about never having been abroad but knowing all about DSS interview rooms - before appreciating the lessness of what it is to waste time churning out this stuff. Making music is too easy & too unchallenging and too overrated and it makes me laugh to hear all the deep passionate chatter people spout about it all and it's not like the pain of giving birth - it's more like a desperate fast squalid rape in an office cupboard by the boss.

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released January 8, 2013

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sonja berlin-jones Southampton, UK

katharinebeastman.bandcamp.com

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